I disagree. Rather strongly actually. I’ve had bad managers that couldn’t communicate. I’ve been that manager. I’ve learned how to communicate to be more effective with others. Everyone has blockages and traumas (especially now). It’s important to use those in context and draw from that experience. It’s not HR motivated, it’s a style of empathetic communication.

It is important not to think of black-white alternatives. The style "good job, kid!", "great effort, little man/woman!" is undoubtedly paternalistic.

There are people who like this style on both sides of the conversation, but in my experience, these are not high performers who make a difference in an initiative, a company, or a group of friends.

Now, the alternative to paternalism is not rudeness, or brutality, but, as I see it, a clear communication that does not infantilize people, but treat them seriously, like serious adult people, and not kids who have to be coddled or paid excessive attention too, or, even worse, as "damaged goods".

A few years ago, I received a message from someone I had a date with, and they used the sandwich, paternalistic style of communication that most adults dislike. "Hi, it was great to meet you and we had such a great time. Unfortunately, I don't think it would work etc. I wish you the very best/you are a great guy/see you around". Unsurprisingly, they were working in corporate. It is annoying to be treated like kids when there are white hairs on semi-bald heads.

>”Hi, it was great to meet you and we had such a great time.”

Is it hard to believe that someone could have a great time with you but not see you as a future partner for themselves?

Maybe this visceral dislike for this style of communication is why? You’re entitled to your opinion and preferences as are they. If you’re willing to look past yourself, maybe that person thought you were too much, instead of too little. Maybe you were further down the road than they are and they want someone closer to where they are in the journey.

I’m simply stating that expressing praise for a thing doesn’t have to be clouded in ulterior motives like trying to prove you know better. You can simply reply back “Thanks, I had a great time too. If you ever change your mind or want to hang out again, give me a ring. If not, I hope you find your happiness, whatever that looks like for you.”

That’s a respectful reply.

I don’t think it has to be that deep. The world is a big place, full of many cultures that operate - especially with giving criticism - very differently. You don’t need to master the tone of every culture, but it’s important to at least be cognisant that even these difference exist.

I don't see my comment as particularly profound.

I have lived for a few decades at this point and have noticed, like anyone else I imagine, a desire in (some, but a nontrivial percentage of) people to maintain lifelong ways of thinking and behaving that have been historically associated with early life.

For example, a desire to be praised and not challenged, to dress like a teenager even as one nears retirement, to show a degree of enthusiasm for pedestrian events that was once reserved for major accomplishments.

> to dress like a teenager even as one nears retirement

For some of us this is a KPI of our life/job satisfaction.

I can tell you that if I was in some job that did not allow me to schlep around in hoodies and cargo pants I would be much, much less happy than I am today.

I don't like to judge the appearance of others and prefer just to maintain high standards for myself. My comment was descriptive and not normative.

I like working out and being in shape, but if others prefer to do some side project at night instead of hitting weights, it is fine with me. I enjoy reading and thinking, but if others prefer to watch reality tv, who am I to judge them?

Admittedly, seeing some of my middle-aged colleagues who are complete slobs, from their worn-out clothes to their prominent bellies to their unkempt hair and beards and some fun smell coming out of them, is a stress-test for the fortitude of my beliefs.